Shiny Memories

Payne | 18 Holding on. Taking a stroll between realms.

I’m deeply sorry to all those who liked me. And what I meant by “like” is to steal glances at me when I look away , attempting to talk to me , having close proximity or maybe even touching me inadvertently. I’m sorry all this “like” boiled down to no valid and I tend to just ignore or brush it off altogether. I’m sorry because I know you’re looking for a que. A que I’d bestow for your further advances towards me. A que I didn’t give in the end.

I know it is hard on you because we live in a conservative society and you aren’t sure of my sexual orientation. And that’s exactly what I take into consideration. Living in a conservative society has certainly limited our choices and there are some relationships we all know , deep down , that won’t end well. And since it won’t end off well , why start in the first place? Getting hurt even more is seemingly the consequence.

Shyness is also calibre in me that took away countless potential opportunities. But all of this isn’t controlled by me. Sometimes , I still find myself picturing a perfect scenario in my head ever so sub-consciously of how I would be living in a warm house with you and we can cuddle at will and share with each other the time of our lives. Sometimes , I still fantasize how we can develop from dates such as a simple dinner and movie to where we can share the same bed and wake up to our love still in deep slumber beside us. All this , however , seem so far away as I start zoning back into reality. Zoning back to this empty room all by myself , and perhaps , staring into the mirror feeling a kind of void that cannot be explained.

A more imperative question to ask is why am I writing this then? Well aware of my own suffering , I don’t wish to bring it upon others and compromise their happiness. That’s why I’m sorry that I come off as a cold hearted “crush” who don’t reciprocate feelings and make the initial courtship so harsh. Yet that’s the best I can do. The best I can do to prevent us from reaching an imaginary goal. It still hurts me a lot to let each and every one of you go because deep down I still want to complete this perfect scenario so much , but I believe we should still liberate all the happiness we can.

If there’s a bottom line to this , it’ll be that I still desire some chivalry and affection , but I lack the confidence.


“And if you call me at 4 am, too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep. If you need to cry I will not wipe your tears away because you are only human and sometimes tears are as close to laughter as you can get and that’s okay. If you get sleepy I will let you drool on my arm and I won’t laugh at you if you snore too loud. If you need to yell so hard that your voice cracks and your knees fail I will hold you up and yell with you. If you get so angry you punch your hands red I will ice your knuckles and tell you that wounds heal both inside and out, and just like the cold that is harsh and burning, I will always be the warmth to soothe you and make you feel better. I will love you.”

– (via lntroductions)

“Make the first move, tell people how you feel, stop being so scared of rejection, stop feeling so engulfed with thoughts that aren’t even yours, and stop wasting your fucking time.”

– What I needed to hear (via sereinsky)